Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Maneuvering Recalcitrant Bovine

Sorry for not posting for a while.  I’ve been sooooo busy with my…..Oh, right.  I have no life.  Ok, so I’ve just been lazy.  I bought all my tomato and pepper plants in preparation for planting my garden a week or so ago.  Timmy told me that I might want to wait because we may have some tornados in a few days.  The last two years I have had to replant because all the little leaves have been whipped off by high winds or flooded out by heavy rains.  Replanting 20-40 plants 2 years in a row makes one leery about planting too early.  Timmy was right and we have had strong winds, a nearby tornado and near freezing temps since, so all these little plants have been sitting in my kitchen floor for the past 2 weeks.
Since I have the black thumb of death for potted plants, I am anxious and trying to keep them healthy until it is safe to plant them.  Once they are in the ground, nature takes care of itself for the most part.  I just have to water once in a while and tasty veggies come on in abundance.  Yay for the bounty of summer!! 

 Anyway, Timmy was coming over to help Jason bottle beer, the first batch of his own creation, so the plants had to go ASAP.  So I bought a kiddy pool and some larger containers.  (Love the Dollar Tree!)  It was raining and kinda cold so I brought the kiddy pool and a big bag-o–dirt in the kitchen and got to work replanting.  I was having a good ol time playing in the dirt in the comfort of my cozy kitchen and went to water all my new transplants.  Just as I got to the sink, I notice Little Bull was in the front yard again. 

Now Little Bull is the newest 600 pound member of the Bustin Ass Ranch and seems to enjoy the yard better than the pasture.  He’s been out a few times before and now I am getting used to it.  Only last year I was still fairly afraid of the giants with pea brains. 

So anyway, back to my story.  I was the only one home and Little Bull is close to the front gate.  I dropped what I was doing to take care of it.  I grabbed the first jacket I find, a cute little hot pink pleather number I found a second hand shop, and stuffed my feet into the always attractive Muck Boots and hit the door running.  I then realized that it had begun to rain…. Yay for me.  So I went around the long way so I didn't spook him right out into the middle of the road and shut the driveway gate.  I figured I would just wait until Jason got home and let him take care of it, but I realized that the decrepit fence, if you can really call it that, in the front yard has a giant cow sized hole in it.  Not a new hole, but cow sized none the less.  Good neighbors do not let their Little Bulls roam around on their newly sprouting corn.  Ok.  Time for a resume builder. 

I penned the dogs up, unlatched 2 gates to the pasture and grabbed a feed bucket.  I banged on the bucket and called Come and get it!  Come on, Little Bull, come get it!  You can imagine how I looked with my pink jacket, giant boots, and orange bucket trying to call a bull to me.  I'm just glad no one was going down our road right then.  The steers we are feeding out in the corral got very excited and began mooing their steer heads off demanding to be fed.  Little Bull just looked at me like I was a nut job.  Yeah, right.  I’m going over to that?  I don’t think so.  I got a little closer and he didn’t really seem to like that.  He kinda put his head down like a cartoon bull and I decided that taking on an  unpredictable 600 lb animal with a relatively small brain while I was the only one at home without even the dogs to help, was probably not the best idea I have ever had.  I backed away and he went back to mowing the grass. 

Oh, and don’t forget the rain, that was fun.  Ok, I tried, it didn’t work.  Now what???  Guess it’s, time to rodeo.  I got out the 4 wheeler and went around the edge to the yard trying to cut him off from the cow sized hole in the fence.  When he finally decided to move it, he kicked up his heels, flung mud everywhere and began jumping and running.  I channeled my inner rodeo champ and tried to guide him back to the pasture.  Of, course he didn’t go the right way and is heading for the house.  Great.  We need a bull on the porch.  Luckily he went around the side and nearly smacked into one of the 4 satilite dishes that came with the place.  Wouldn’t an unconscious Little Bull laying in the side yard be cute to explain?  He ducked just in time and I went around.   He kicked up some more mud, but the rain washed it out of my face.  That was nice. 

This is Little Bull in the front and Shirley
in the back.  Unlike yesterday, he came right
over when I called him closer to take his
picture.  Maybe he's a ham?  
I got around the house and he was right in my garden!!  Damnit!!  I worked hard getting that garden nice and fluffy just waiting for some nicer weather.   He decided he needed a snack and was going for my peas. NOOOOOOO!!!!  I yelled and revved the engine.  He kicked up my beautiful, loamy garden soil and took off.  I went around and cut off the path back to the front yard and yelled some more.   He finally saw the open gate and hauled ass in.  I shut the gate and he headed straight for the water trough as though he has run a marathon.  When I drove by to put the 4 wheeler back his eyes got really wide and he backed away from the water.  I just laughed and set about undoing everything.  I unpinned the dogs, relatched both pasture gates and opened the driveway gate.  The dogs thought this was a great game and had tons of fun running around me like fruit cakes.  Now that I was done, the rain stopped....of course.  

I headed back inside and checked the clock.  Shit!!  Jason was due home any minute and I had a total disaster area in the entire kitchen and dining room.  I have a kiddy pool full of plants and dirt everywhere.  He can’t handle my messes.  They really stress him out and he specifically told me twice that day that Timmy was coming over to bottle beer in the kitchen.  Incidentally, Timmy is 50 something and just retired this week, so I’m not sure why we still call him Timmy, but oh well. 

I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get my shit together.  I didn't make it.  Jason walked in and the look on his face was priceless.  You would have thought there was something truly horrific in our kitchen.   It was really funny, but definitely not the time to laugh out loud (at least where he could hear or see.)  I explained about my impromptu rodeo session and assured him I would have everything cleaned in a jiffy.  I'm not sure he believed either.  He looked skeptical, to say the least.  I just kept  cleaning, he just kept scowling.  Finally I snapped at him a little and told him to just get over it, it was just a little dirt and I was taking care of it.  He left.  

When he came back I was nearly finished and he began getting his stuff ready for bottling.  Timmy came over and I finished up.  Jason looked somewhat mollified that I wasn't actually in his way in the first place and apologized for overreacting and Peace was Restored to the Kingdom Once Again.        

Later I decided I should be able to add my little adventure to my resume.  I think it will read: 
Adaptable applicant can adequately utilize alternative locomotion device to successfully maneuver recalcitrant bovine to appropriate locations.